An Act of Release: Order & Chaos Book 2 Page 4

  Mom ushered me upstairs and sat me on the sofa. She grabbed a tissue out of the box on the floor and dabbed at my face as I continued weeping. I couldn't even manage to tell her anything at this point. Mom sat next to me and gathered me into her arms. She held me tight while I let it all out, murmuring comforting words and running her fingers through my hair. It felt so good to be held and comforted even though I didn't think I deserved it. It took a while for me to calm down enough to catch my breath.

  "Does this have something to do with that young man your father met the other day?" Mom finally asked. Of course, Dad told her about meeting Ford on Thursday.

  "Yes," I snuffled out plaintively. "We broke up."

  "Oh, baby." Mom pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. "I'm so sorry." She hugged me even tighter as a few more sobs shuddered through me. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.

  I almost said no automatically. I'd never shared much about my personal life with Mom, and especially Dad. I didn't want my parents to know about my promiscuity. I didn't want them to be ashamed of me, since I was already ashamed of myself. However, this was different. I was still ashamed of myself for how I'd treated Ford, but I didn't have anyone else left to turn to. My best friend betrayed me, and the man I loved and trusted was gone. I desperately needed some support right now, and all I had left was my family.

  "I ruined everything, Mom," I whimpered, my voice broken and emotional. "I accused Ford of doing something he didn't do because Tori lied to me, and now he's gone."

  "Oh, Jenny," Mom said consolingly. "I'm so sorry, baby."

  "She...she told me that Ford hit on her," I sobbed out harshly, the words painful to spit out, "and...and I believed her. I treated him like shit and said such horrible things to him, so...so he left me." I took a deep shuddering breath. "Why? Why did she lie to me? I don't understand. She was my best friend. I...I trusted her. How could she do this to me?" I broke down again as Tori's betrayal burned inside me, my body trembling and quaking with anguish.

  "I imagine she was jealous and insecure," Mom said softly. "She was probably afraid that you were outgrowing her and moving on, so she sabotaged you to keep you to herself and to make herself feel better."

  "Why couldn't she be happy for me?" I asked as I shook my head. "I would have been happy for her if she met someone."

  "She isn't happy with herself, Jenny. How could she be happy for anyone else?" She sighed deeply. "Women can be awful to each other. I've been burned by other women far more often than any man. I've been there before, and it's a tough lesson to learn, baby."

  Yes, it was. I just wished I had figured it out sooner, then maybe Ford would still be here. I cried for a while longer, safe and secure in my mother's arms, but when I finally settled down, I didn't feel any better. Ford was still gone, and my heart was still broken.

  "Have you talked to him, baby?" Mom finally asked as she leaned back to look at me with a sympathetic expression. "Does he know you were manipulated?"

  "It's too late, Mom," I murmured sadly.

  "Don't be so sure, baby." She gave me a wan smile. "Does he love you?"

  I nodded jerkily, but I was pretty sure that it was past tense after the things I said to him.

  "Do you love him?"

  "I do," I whimpered out softly.

  "Then it's never too late, Jenny, no matter what you said to him."

  Mom looked and sounded so sure, but I knew better. Some things couldn't be unsaid. Some things couldn't be forgiven. And sometimes, like now, it really was too late.

  **********

  I was curled up on the couch nursing a beer around eight-thirty, staring unseeing at the action movie that happened to be on, and wondering what Ford was doing right now. I longed to go to him, to grovel and beg for him to give us another chance, but it was pointless. I doubt he'd even talk to me, let alone let me in. All I could cling to now were the memories of our time together. He'd made me feel strong and sure of myself, a feeling I hadn't had in a very long time. He'd made me feel beautiful and sexy, instead of cheap and slutty. He'd shown me pleasure like I'd never known, and being in his ropes had fulfilled me in a completely unexpected way. I missed him so very much, and I'd never get over him, ever. Tears began dripping off my chin at that thought.

  Once again, the doorbell scared the shit out of me. Elation flooded me. What if it was Ford? His shop closed at eight, and this was the usual time that he would show up when he came over after work. Maybe I was wrong and there was still a chance that this wasn't over. I flew to my feet and hurried down to my front door. I didn't even check the peephole in my haste as I flung the door open.

  I stilled as I saw Tori standing there dressed to go out in a red club dress. What the fuck?

  "Hey, girl," Tori announced with a smile, without even looking up from her phone. She pushed her way past me as I stared at her in disbelief. "I know just the club we should hit tonight."

  She was halfway up the steps before I could even break myself out of my shock and move. I hurried up the steps and caught up with her as she walked into my living room. I gaped at her as she plopped down on my sofa without a care in the world. Was she this dense, or was she really this cruel?

  "I hope the guy you hooked up with last night was better than mine," she said with a disgusted expression. "That blond guy was a total tool." She finally met my eyes and smiled at me, but there was a smug glint in her eyes that I had never seen before. It made me realize that I didn't know her like I thought I did at all, and that the answer to my question was easy now. She was here to be cruel and to gloat. Sudden rage seethed inside me.

  "Why?!" I snarled out bitterly.

  "What are you talking about?" She tried to feign confusion, but I saw a flash of triumph in her eyes. Bitch.

  "You know exactly what I'm talking about," I snapped at her. "Don't play innocent with me. You lied to me and manipulated me."

  "I did not," she bit back indignantly.

  I ignored her denial as my anger narrowed into a sharp point focused squarely on Tori. "I want to know why," I said intently as I took several steps toward her, my body vibrating with tension.

  She immediately went into denial again. "I don't know wh-"

  "Stop," I snarled out viciously. "I'm done with your lies. I want the truth. You owe me that."

  "You want the truth?" she asked defensively as she stood up, her eyes filled with hate. "Fine. You're a shitty friend. You met some asshole and didn't give a shit about me anymore. You chose him over me, your best friend. How could you do that to me?"

  A light bulb suddenly flipped on in my head. Holy shit, I could see what this was now. She'd been manipulating me all this time. This was emotional blackmail, and she had her hooks in me for years. This wasn't about me. It was about Tori losing her control over me and lashing out in desperation. She didn't care about me or my feelings. She didn't care about the fallout of what she'd done. All she cared about was herself and how everything effected her. I'd been a fool again, and this time I'd been an unsuspecting pawn for a very long time.

  "I've always been here for you," she continued, clueless that I was on to her now. "I've always had your back. I thought our friendship meant something to you, but now I know some asshole with a big dick is more important than me." Her voice actually broke a little, and before now I would have fallen for it. However, now I knew it for the manipulation that it was.

  "You're wrong," I bit back. "I've always been here for you, but you've only ever cared about yourself. You've manipulated and tore me down for years. You made me feel guilty and ashamed of wanting something more for myself, and for wanting to be happy. That's not what a real friend does."

  I knew this now thanks to Ford. Even if he was gone, at least he'd given me this. He built me up, made me feel like I deserved to be happy, and that I could. Tori had never done that for me. She used me to build herself up, and the cost was my self-esteem. Well, no more.

  "Real friends don't sabotage each other," I growled out bitterly,
stepping into her space. "Real friends don't tear each other down. Real friends want each other to be happy. That makes you the shitty friend, not me."

  Her eyes widened in shock as she realized she'd lost control again, then narrowed sharply. "Well, I hope you're happy," she snarled harshly. "Now you're all alone. I made sure of that." She was lashing out in desperation now. Even though what she said was true, I wasn't willing to be friends with the likes of her, just so I wouldn't be alone. The cost to myself was too high.

  "We're done." I forced out between clenched teeth, anger and sorrow blasting through me. "I may not be happy, but neither are you, you selfish bitter ass bitch. Get the fuck out." I stepped aside and pointed at the way out, hoping she'd leave before I decided to beat her ass, because she wasn't worth it, no matter how satisfying it sounded. I glared at her, daring her to say anything else as I stared her down. She looked away first.

  "Gladly," she said snidely as she brushed past me to leave. She stomped down the steps without a backward glance, then disappeared out the door, slamming it hard behind her. The walls vibrated from the force, and the deafening silence in its wake felt final and poignant. I couldn't even muster the will to revel in my victory. I really was all alone now, and all I could do was crawl back into my bed and curl into a ball of loneliness and despair.

  **********

  The rest of the weekend crawled along at a snail's pace as I wallowed and tortured myself all alone in my apartment. After Tori left on Saturday, I didn't talk to or see another soul, and most of my time was spent under the covers in my bed crying off and on. On Monday, it was almost a relief to go to work, and I hoped it was too busy for me to focus too much attention on my lonely broken heart.

  I went in early when I gave up on sleeping a good hour before my alarm went off. I shut myself in my office, hoping to be left alone while I threw myself into the pile of paperwork that I should have taken care of on Saturday. Unfortunately, I couldn't focus very well on any of it, not when memories of the few times Ford was here with me kept popping into my head. When a surge of loss and longing finally fell over me in a smothering wave mid-way through the morning, I was left feeling wrung out and utterly defeated. A harsh painful sob shuddered through me, and I couldn't hold it in anymore today. I broke down, bawling and blubbering pathetically, and wondering when I'd get past this pain.

  A gentle knock on my door startled me, and I began rubbing frantically at my eyes to wipe away the evidence of my weakness. I took a fortifying breath and called out for whoever it was to come in, hoping I could maintain the semblance of being a professional. I didn't want to look like a blubbering idiot in front of a customer or a co-worker for that matter.

  The door cracked open slowly, and Dad peeked his head in with a worried expression. "Hey, princess. Are you doing okay in here?" Oh hell, he heard me crying from the hallway.

  "I'm fine, Dad," I answered in a thick emotional voice that belied my words.

  He pursed his lips and cocked his head with an assessing eye. Then he walked into my office and quietly closed the door behind himself. He took a seat in one of the two chairs facing my desk, giving me a soft sympathetic expression. "No, Jenny, you're not," he said. Shit, he must have talked to Mom about me.

  I stared down at my desk, trying to force down the tears, but they had a mind of their own and poured out again.

  "Oh, princess," Dad said quietly. "I'm sorry. A broken heart sucks."

  I nodded as I met his eyes again, unable to speak past the pain.

  "I'm not going to ask you to talk about it," Dad said knowingly. "Unlike your mother and your brother, you and I don't need to talk everything to death, nor do we want to." A small smile played across his lips before his face turned serious again. "You and I are much more practical and not prone to romantic notions of love conquering all, fate, and happily ever after. However, that doesn't mean that you should give up on love entirely. I believe, and I think you do to, that love is a reflexion of trust, commitment, and hard work. He leaned forward, his eyes bright with conviction. "When you love someone enough, you do whatever it takes to make it work."

  "Oh, Dad," I said dejectedly. "I broke his trust and hurt him so badly. I don't think there's anyway to fix this."

  "You don't know if you don't try, princess."

  I stared at my desk again, not knowing what to say to that. Dad didn't see Ford's face when he told me that we were done. It wasn't the face of a man who wanted to try to fix this or work things out. It was the face of a man who'd been burned and then smothered out the flames completely before it could do it to him again. He didn't even look back at me once when he drove away. It was over, no matter how much I wished otherwise. No matter how much I missed him and still loved him.

  "Oh, Jenny," Dad finally said comfortingly. "Even if things don't work out with Ford, you'll still be okay. You'll find the right man eventually. I just know it." He smiled broadly as he beamed with pride. "You're strong and smart and beautiful. You're my princess, and my good girl. What man wouldn't want to love you?"

  Good girl, he said. I had to stifle the bitter laugh that almost burst out of me. That was an utter and absurd joke. I wasn't good. I wasn't anyone's princess. I was a complete clueless idiot who picked the worst person on earth to be her best friend. I was a damaged pathetic whore who was too stupid to trust the one man who ever loved her and believed in her, and fucked the whole thing up. I didn't deserve anyone's love.

  "I know, Dad," I forced out in what I hoped was a convincing act. "I'd better get back to work now." I was barely holding it together, and I needed him to leave before I lost it again.

  "Sure thing," Dad smiled warmly at me, then rose to come around my desk. He pulled me up onto my feet and gave me a firm hug. "I love you, princess. Don't ever forget it."

  "I won't," I forced out as the tears threatened again. "I love you too."

  He kissed my cheek sweetly, then winked at me before he left the room, closing the door on his way out. I slumped down onto my desk chair with a heavy sigh of defeat, wishing I'd called in sick again today. It was already three days since I broke Ford's heart, and he walked away, and I just kept feeling worse and worse. I knew now that I'd never get over Ford, never. All I had to look forward to now was the hope that I'd eventually learn to live with the pain. What other choice did I have?

  **********

  I stood alone in the break room midway through Tuesday morning staring despondently into my coffee as I stirred in some cream. I was so tired and achy inside. I'd barely slept last night, since nightmares of Ford's pained and angry face haunted me all night long. In my dreams, he told me that I was too damaged for anyone to love. He told me that I was a slut, and no one would ever want me again. Words that I knew he would never use against me, but they were still true nonetheless.

  Nauseating guilt pierced through me yet again, followed closely by the ever-present shame of how I broke the heart of the man I loved. All because my so-called best friend betrayed me out of petty jealousy. Well, thanks to her and my own stupidity for believing her, I didn't have anything left to be jealous of. Ford was gone, and I was all alone. A deep and heart-wrenching longing for him ached inside me painfully.

  A sudden sob struck me harshly, making me gasp in a sharp breath as tears flowed from my eyes. I don't know why I even bothered with makeup today. It was all going to be gone soon anyway, since I couldn't go an hour without crying. I was so sick of it. An urge to fling my full coffee mug against the wall in frustration hit me. I buried my face in my hands and tried to ride out the maelstrom of emotions in my overwrought head. I just wanted to go home and hide away from the world under the covers of my bed.

  "Jenny?" Andy's voice asked softly in concern from behind me. "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing," I whimpered out without even turning to look at my brother, wiping at the evidence on my face that I was lying. Shit. I got lucky yesterday, since it was his day off, and I didn't see him. Now I knew he'd hound me into rehashing the whole wretched story an
d try to convince me that I could fix this, but it was too late. Even though Ford had loved me, he certainly didn't anymore. I'd made sure of that.

  "Nothing, my ass," Andy said as he came up beside me. "What's going on?" His voice was adamant now, and I knew he wouldn't leave this be.

  I sucked in a shuddering breath, trying to work up the will to talk about my broken and pathetic heart. "He...he left me," was all I could manage to force out as I sobbed even harder.

  "Ford?" he asked incredulously.

  I nodded jerkily as I turned away from my brother in shame. Now he'd know how stupid I was for trusting Tori, even though he recently warned me not to trust her. How I could I have been so blind to something that was so obvious to him?

  "I don't understand," Andy said in confusion. "You guys seemed so happy together. He adores you. Why would he leave you?" Andy's breathing grew harsh behind me. "What the fuck did he do to you?" he growled out under his breath. "Because I'll kick his fucking ass."

  "It...it was me," I murmured softly. "I ruined everything."

  "What?"

  "You were right about Tori," I blurted out in a rush. I gasped for air as more tears flew from my eyes. "She lied to me, and...and I believed her. She...she told me that Ford hit on her, and that he hooked up with his clients all the time. And I...I accused him of using me and lying to me. I said such awful and horrible things to him, and he dumped me. He loved me, and I broke his heart."

  I felt Andy's hand come to rest gently on my shoulder. "Jenny," he whispered consolingly. It broke the fragile dam that was holding me together.

  I whirled around and flew into my brother's arms, shuddered and sobbing out my pain and anguish. He pulled me close as I buried my face against his chest and clutched at him desperately. Andy held me tight, murmuring comforting words to try to calm me down, but I was such a mess that I couldn't stop. Eventually, Andy announced that he was taking me home. The next thing I knew I was sitting in his yellow Mitsubishi Evo as he drove me to my apartment.