An Act of Restraint: Order & Chaos Book 1 Read online

  I yanked the door open at the bottom of the steps, and hurled myself out into the morning sunshine that was already making it warm outside. I went to grab my phone out of my wristlet to call a cab, but realized with a jolt of horror that it was probably still in Ford's truck.

  "Fuck!" I turned to go back inside and ran headlong into Ford in the doorway. He grabbed my arms to keep me upright, and I was suddenly pressed up against his bare chest. He was dressed in only jeans, and my body reacted to his touch against my will. I growled and pushed him away from me. "Don't you fucking touch me!" I yelled at him, righteous anger igniting inside me. He jerked back from me in surprise, looking hurt and confused. It just made me angrier.

  "What the hell, Jen?" he started to look angry himself now. "You promised you wouldn't leave again."

  "That was before I knew you were a cheating piece of shit asshole!" I snarled back in utter disbelief. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

  "Cheating?" he asked, bafflement filling his eyes. "What the hell are you talking about?"

  "I heard you on the phone," I pointed at him in accusation. "Talking to your favorite girl about your little peanut. Well, I may be a slut, but I'm not a home-wrecker, so fuck you!" I turned and walked away with tears sheeting down my face, hoping I could flag down a cab this early on a Saturday and still make it to work on time.

  I only made it a few steps before Ford grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to a stop. I dug my nails into his arms and started cursing at him to let me go.

  "Ow! Holy goddamn fucking hell, Jen!" he snarled, refusing to let me go. "Stop fucking fighting me!"

  "Then let me go, you cheating motherfucker!"

  "Jenny!" he finally said in exasperation. "That was my sister. I'm not cheating on anyone."

  "What?!" I stilled in his arms.

  "That was my sister, Natalie, and we were talking about my four-week-old nephew, Daniel." His voice was even and sincere. "I don't have a girlfriend or a kid. I swear to God. Please don't go. You promised." His deep voice wavered a little on the last two words.

  "Your sister?" I asked hopefully.

  "Yes," he reassured me. He turned me around and met my eyes. All I saw was sincerity and concern. His hands slid up to cup my face, a worried frown on his face. "Why did you call yourself a slut, Jen?" he asked in a gentle tone.

  "Because that's what I am, a slut," I confessed bitterly with a sob, shocking myself with what I was sharing with this man who I barely knew. I'd never said that aloud to anyone before. His face softened, and he rubbed his thumb gently along my bottom lip.

  "Your past doesn't have to define you, Jen," he said with certainty and none of the judgment or scorn that I expected. "I was a selfish fucking asshole, but I remade myself, and so can you. That's why you got your tattoo, isn't it? If you want to change, then you can. You can be whoever you want to be. Believe me, I know."

  "What if I can't?" I asked pleadingly. "What if I don't know how?"

  "You've already started changing, Jen," he said, his eyes softening with warmth. "You turned down that guy last night. You're still here with me now. That counts for something, doesn't it?"

  "I...I guess it does, doesn't it?" I answered with a wan smile of realization.

  "Of course, it does." His left hand slid into the hair on the back of my head and cradled me gently. A tender expression ghosted across his face for a moment, making my heart flutter with equal parts fear and exhilaration. What was this man doing to me? "Come back upstairs with me, Jen," he said with a smile. "I can make you something to eat or some coffee if you want."

  "I have to work in a few hours," I said with sincere regret that surprised me. "I need to go home to get cleaned up. I'm sorry."

  "Then let me take you home."

  "Okay."

  He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss on the lips, then took my hand and led me back into the building and up to his apartment. My hand felt so good in his, just like last night in his truck, like it belonged there.

  We went back into his bedroom, and I watched him pull on his shoes and a T-shirt from a dresser drawer. The fabric stretched divinely across his chest and shoulders, making me wish I didn't have to work today. I wanted to pull it off of him and lick his upper body for hours. He noticed me admiring him, and one corner of his mouth quirked up in amusement.

  He led me back downstairs and into his garage, slapping the door opener on the wall as we walked in. Light streamed in, giving me a good look at his motorcycle a few feet away. The thing's engine was massive with three huge cylinders running lengthwise along the bike. Its paint was a matte black with twin white stripes running down the middle of the gas tank and both fenders. Its duel exhaust pipes were huge too. It was gorgeous and dangerous looking, just like Ford. I bet he looked amazing riding it.

  "Good God, that thing is huge," I mumbled as I stepped closer to it.

  "Thanks," he said suggestively. I glanced at him to see dark amusement in his indigo eyes. I felt my clit throb with need just from the way he was looking at me. "I could take you for a ride after work tonight." Shit, I knew he was talking about more than just his bike, and I was up for both.

  "I'd love to ride it," I murmured seductively.

  "I know," he stepped closer and looked down at me with heated eyes. His masculine scent and big muscular body overwhelmed my senses.

  "Are you trying to make me late?" I asked wryly as I ran my fingers along the edge of his belt and looked up at him through lowered lashes.

  He grabbed my hands and rubbed his thumbs across the backs of them. "I will if you keep doing that," he grumbled facetiously.

  "Sorry," I said with complete insincerity.

  "Come on, Jen," he said with a wry smile as he stepped away and led me to his truck. "Let's get you home so you're not late for work."

  We climbed into his truck, and he drove me home, his hand in mine almost the whole way. When he dropped me off at my apartment, he said he'd be back around seven-thirty with his bike to take me for my first ride tonight. Then he gave me a long lingering kiss that burned through me, curled my toes, and left me gasping for air. Afterwords, I climbed out of the truck and stood on the sidewalk in a daze. I watched him drive off wondering what exactly I got myself into here, and why on earth my fear hadn't managed to send me running and screaming away just yet.

  **********

  I'd already been working for a few hours when I remembered that my phone was dead. I plugged it in to charge, and turned it on to find multiple texts and missed calls from Tori, frantic and worried about me. Shit. I never sent her a text to let her know where I was after I left The Indigo Room last night, or this morning to let her know I was okay. I hastily called her. A text wasn't good enough for letting her worry for so long.

  "Where the fuck have you been?" Tori said as a greeting, her voice sharp and tense.

  "I am so sorry," I groveled. "I went home with Ford and completely forgot to text you."

  "Ford?" she asked in confusion. Oh yeah, I'd never told her his name.

  "The guy who gave me my tattoo," I explained. "I ran into him at the club last night."

  "Well," she began suggestively, "he must have been hung like a horse for you to go back for seconds. Am I right?" Ordinarily, I'd go into lurid detail at this point in the conversation, but once again, the very idea of telling Tori anything about what Ford and I shared last night just felt wrong.

  "Did you go home with that blond guy?" I asked, changing the subject. "He was hot."

  "Yeah," she said blandly. "He was okay. Hopefully, I'll have better luck when we go out again tonight."

  "Um..." I began uncomfortably. "I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm kind of going out with Ford tonight."

  "What?" she asked in irritation. "You mean, like a date?"

  "Kind of," I answered guiltily.

  "Seriously, Jenny?" She snorted in disbelief. "You're going to encourage an obvious clinger like that? If this Ford guy thinks it's a date, you won't be able to get rid of him when
you're done with him."

  "Maybe...maybe I don't want to be done with this one," I murmured out softly. Suddenly feeling sad, and I wasn't sure why.

  She made an exasperated noise. "Please. I know you. You'll get bored, and it'll fizzle out by the end of the week. Come out with me instead. I can guarantee you a great night with no strings attached."

  My heart sank. Was she right? Maybe I was deluding myself into thinking I could change and find something more with a man than just meaningless sex. I hesitated for second, doubting my ability to remake myself. But then I remembered Ford's words about being able to change if I wanted to, and his deep sincerity and belief in what he said. It filled me with determination. I had to try, or my life would continue in a direction that I didn't want anymore.

  "I'm sorry, Tori, but I need to see this through."

  "Suit yourself," she said dismissively. "I can find a good time by myself anyway." She was trying to sound nonchalant, but I knew I hurt her feelings. I was about to apologize again when she said she had to go and abruptly ended the call. I stared at my phone with guilt rising up inside me. I felt horrible and didn't know what to do about it, so I threw myself into work to try to distract myself.

  As the afternoon wore on, I began to get more and more excited about seeing Ford again. It was an unfamiliar sensation that made me giddy. It made it harder and harder to concentrate on my work. I kept finding myself staring off into space and daydreaming about Ford's eyes and smile. I kept remembering the feel of his gorgeous body moving against mine and how good he felt inside me.

  "What are you smiling like an idiot about?" Andy's voice asked, startling me back to reality. I jumped and saw my brother standing in the doorway of my office. I'd been sitting at my desk staring off into space thinking about Ford yet again.

  "Damn it, Andy," I snapped at him with a glower. "Quit sneaking up on me like that."

  "But it's so easy and so much fun." His answering grin was wide and annoying as he walked into the room and plopped into one of the chairs in front of my desk.

  "Don't you have work to do, instead of harassing me?" I growled at him.

  "I was walking by and saw some strange woman smiling in here, and wondered where the hell my sister had run off to." He leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head, and propped his dirty work boots on the edge of my desk. I pursed my lips and glared at his feet, but he ignored me. "It's good to see you looking happy, Jenny. It's been a while." His voice took on a gentle tone as his eyes softened.

  I was taken aback. I didn't even realize how unhappy I was until recently. Apparently, my brother noticed it long before I did. I sometimes forgot how perceptive he was, since he tended to joke around a lot and not take things too seriously most of the time.

  "I know," I admitted reluctantly.

  "So what's made you look so happy today?"

  I bit my lips nervously. I was reluctant to tell him about Ford after my conversation with Tori. What if he didn't think that I could change either? It would destroy me if my own brother didn't believe in me.

  "Come on, Jenny. Hook a brother up." He smiled warmly at me. "You know you can tell me anything." He looked so sincere, and he knew me better than just about anyone. If I couldn't trust my own brother than I was a sorry excuse for a sister.

  "I kind of met someone," I mumbled nervously. "And I have a date tonight."

  Andy abruptly dropped his feet to the floor, and sat up straight in his chair. His eyes lit up in surprised interest. "You mean like a date date? Like he's picking you up at your place and taking you out kind of date?"

  "Yeah," I answered as I smiled wryly at him. I couldn't blame him for being surprised. I was pretty taken aback by all of this myself.

  "Wow." He grinned widely.

  "I know, right?" I smiled back at him.

  "Where did you meet this guy?" Andy asked suspiciously, his eyes getting a protective gleam in them that I hadn't seen in a long long time. It was kind of adorable.

  "Well..." I began uncomfortably. "I met him at a tattoo shop."

  "A tattoo shop?"

  "Yeah," I continued. "I went in to get a tattoo and..."

  "Wait, wait, wait," he interrupted me with wide eyes. "Stop right there. Did you get a fucking tattoo?"

  "Well, duh," I said with an eye roll, knowing I was needling him. "Why else would I go to a tattoo shop?"

  "Please tell me you got a tramp stamp." His eyes glimmered with amusement. "Because I'll never let you live that down."

  "Please," I said in exasperation, since we were getting off subject here. "I have better taste than that."

  "Is it on your ass?" he asked.

  "Fuck no."

  "Alright then." He gestured at me expectantly. "Let's see it."

  "Okay, fine." I told him irritably. "But shut the door. Dad doesn't need to know about it yet."

  He immediately leapt up and closed the door, then turned back to me expectantly. Luckily, I was wearing a light summer jacket over a lace camisole, so all I had to do was shrug one shoulder out to show Andy my phoenix. I turned around so he could get a good look at it.

  "Holy shit, dude," he blurted out in an awed voice. "It's amazing. Who did it?"

  "The guy I'm going out with tonight."

  "He's good," Andy admitted in a slightly grudging tone.

  "Yes, he is," I said suggestively.

  "What's his name?" Andy asked, ignoring my teasing and speaking in a sterner voice than I expected.

  "Ford." I pulled my jacket back up and turned to face my brother again. His face turned serious, and his eyes narrowed.

  "If this Ford hurts you. I'll kick his fucking ass." Andy clenched his fists. He was getting all alpha male big brother on me. I hadn't seen it since high school. I rolled my eyes and tried to suppress a laugh. The very idea of my five-foot-ten brother trying to kick Ford's ass was laughable.

  "I can take care of myself, Andy," I said with a grin. "Don't worry."

  "I always worry about you, Jenny," Andy said with softening eyes. "That's never going to change. I'm your big brother, and I love you."

  "I love you too," I murmured as I pulled him into a hug. He hugged me back tightly, making me grunt.

  "I'd better get back to work before our slave driving father starts hounding me again," Andy said facetiously as he let me go. He turned to head for the door.

  "Andy?" I asked in a quiet unsure tone.

  He looked back at me with raised brows.

  "Do you think I can really do this?"

  "Do what?" he asked curiously.

  "Do a real relationship. Be a girlfriend." I looked down at my desk. "It's been so long that I have no idea what I'm doing."

  "You're a bad-ass, Jenny. The biggest one I know," he answered with a lopsided smile. "You can do anything you set your mind to. Just be yourself and everything will work out like it's supposed to be. You'll see." He winked at me and walked out.

  I stared after him in sudden despair. I knew that Andy meant to reassure me with his words, but only one thought filled my head now. How can I be myself when I don't even like or want to be that person anymore?

  **********

  I stopped pacing as I heard the unmistakable sound of an approaching motorcycle outside. I ran to the window in my living room, pulled aside the curtain, and looked down at the parking area in front of my apartment. Ford's Triumph motorcycle was just pulling to a stop next to my convertible Mini Cooper. He cut the engine and swung one of his long powerful legs off the bike. I practically had palpitations when he pulled his helmet off, and I could see his handsome face as he ran a hand through his chin length blond hair. He looked so gorgeous and dangerous in his black leather jacket that matched his bike, with twin white stripes running down each arm. His jeans hugged his muscular legs divinely. I was suddenly breathless with longing for him.

  Without thinking, I hurried to the stairs and rushed down to my front door. I flung it open to find Ford standing there with his hand raised to knock on the door. His eyes
lit up when he saw me, and I felt a fluttery lurch in my chest when a wide grin spread across his face.

  "Hi," he rumbled sexily. His eyes drifted down my body for a moment, and I was suddenly insecure about my outfit.

  I was wearing tight black leather pants, and a black low cut tank with a black leather biker jacket over it. My black stiletto boots were tall and ended just above my knees. I wondered if I had gone too far trying to look sexy for him. I didn't want Ford to think I looked like a slut.

  "Holy hell, Jen," he blurted out as his eyes practically bugged out of his head. "You look so fucking hot." I blushed with embarrassment. His dramatic reaction made me think maybe I'd gone too far. I looked at the floor in discomfort.

  "Jen," he said with sudden concern as he touched my chin. "What's wrong, honey?"

  I looked up at his face. "If it's too much, I can change into something else."

  Confusion filled his eyes. "Too much?"

  "I don't want you to think that I look like a slu-"

  "Stop," he cut me off sharply. He grabbed my shoulders in a firm grip as anger filled his eyes. "I don't want to hear you use that word about yourself ever again. Okay?" His eyes softened. "You look beautiful and sexy and badass. You have no idea how much I love that, or how much that turns me on."

  He leaned down and kissed me, his lips moving slowly and heatedly on mine. A low moan bubbled up out of me in reaction, and I melted against him, feeling just how aroused he was against my stomach. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me even closer as he growled into my mouth. Even after sleeping with him several times between last weekend and yesterday, I still wanted him desperately, needed him really, even if I didn't want to admit that to myself just yet.

  He pulled his lips away from mine, but kept me in his arms. I slid my hands under his jacket, wrapped them around his waist, and snuggled into him, pressing my cheek against his muscular chest. I was inundated by the scent of Ford and leather. It felt like I belonged there.

  "Jen," he whispered as he rubbed his cheek against the top of my head and tightened his arms around me. He felt it too, this growing connection between us. I just knew it. I could hear it in his tone, feel it in the way he held me. This was more than just sex. This was something else. Fear spiked inside me from that thought, but I shove it back down with a deep shuddering sigh. I let go of Ford before the fear overwhelmed me.